


Paralyzed

by Neukdae



Category: MotoGP RPF, Motorcycling RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 20:02:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8591665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neukdae/pseuds/Neukdae
Summary: Brad thought it was the right decision... so why did it feel so wrong?





	

**Author's Note:**

> I was suddenly inspired to write this a while back so, here it is!  
> I also noticed there wasn't any fics with Binder so I decided to fix that :P  
> And I might add more characters later.  
> But this should be a short 2-3 chapter fic.  
> Well, I had fun writing this so.. Hope you enjoy!

Brad was lying on the grassy mounds that surrounded a MotoGP race track, where he had raced on just yesterday.

 

He was savoring the moment as he curled up against Johann, and closed his eyes as a pair of arms wrapped around him.  He sighed and willed himself to focus on just the feeling of Johann against him, he didn’t want to think about the fact this would probably be their last time together like this.

 

Things hadn’t been going smoothly for them for a while now.  With both of them traveling all over the world during racing season, constantly in the spotlight, they barely had any time for each other.  They were both fairly popular.  Enough so that they couldn’t even get away with holding hands without people noticing them.  Although Johann wouldn’t mind at all if people knew about their relationship, Brad didn’t want anyone to find out.  He didn’t want to deal with the repercussions of being a gay professional motorcycle racer.  Brad was too scared of how that would turn out and how people would treat him.

 

Johann knew Brad could be sensitive.  He was trying to be understanding but he hated hiding it.  He just wanted to be able to do all the things a normal couple would do.  It got to the point where he just couldn’t stand it anymore.  Having to pretend and always be afraid of someone catching you.  If they were going to be in a relationship then he was tired of hiding, but Brad just couldn’t do it.  In the end, they decided it was best to go their separate ways.

 

While Brad had thought it would be best for them, he was having a hard time sticking to that.  He was having second thoughts.  Maybe they shouldn’t do this.  They could figure something out right?  Did it really have to end like this?

 

Just as Brad was starting to doze off, his phone buzzed in his pocket.  He fumbled getting it out of his pocket while still pressed against Johann, and read the text.

 

Johann was watching him as he sighed and put the phone away, “I have to go now..”

 

“Already?” Johann asked.

 

“Yeah..” The word barely came out as Brad could feel his throat tightening.

 

Johann squeezed Brad into him tightly and Brad wondered for a moment if he was going to let him go as he put his arms around Johann and clung onto him.  He couldn’t lie to himself, he didn’t want Johann to ever let go.  Eventually though, Johann placed a kiss on his loving forehead and untangled himself from Brad.  A slight whimper escaped Brad’s mouth as they pulled apart and he hoped Johann hadn’t heard it.

 

He tried to put on a brave face as he and Johann stood up but he knew the older could probably see right through him.  As they faced each other, Brad could feel his heart being ripped in half.  The sad look in Johann’s eyes was painful to see.

 

Johann took his hands, threading their fingers together and Brad couldn’t stand it anymore.  He was looking anywhere but at Johann as he tried to keep it together. 

 

 _‘If we love each other then why can’t we make this work out?  Maybe one of us lied…’_   Brad thought to himself as his eyes started to sting.

 

“This is for the best right?”  Johann quietly asked, sounding like he was trying to convince himself of that.

 

“For the best.” Brad couldn’t look him in the face as he replied.  He didn’t want to have to lie.  All he wanted was to be with Johann.  Forget about his career, forget about how coming out might ruin everything he’d been working for his whole life, and just be with him.  Brad knew he couldn’t give up his dreams though.

 

“So I guess this is our last goodbye?” Johann caressed the back of Brad’s hand with a thumb.

 

Brad nodded his head, still not looking at him, and those were definitely tears now filling his eyes.

 

Johann let go of his hands, lifting his own to hold Brad’s face as he gently lifted it up so he could see him.  The tears started rolling down Brad’s cheeks as he looked into Johann’s eyes.  He couldn’t stand the thought of losing him, despite the fact that he thought Johann would be better off.

 

“I love you..” Brad’s voice cracked.  He knew saying that wouldn’t help make things easier but he couldn’t stop himself.

 

“I love you more.” Johann sniffled and let out a small sad laugh as he tried not to give in to his emotions.  He was trying to stay strong for Brad.  This was all for him.  He had to let him go.  He would find someone better.  Someone more patient.

 

Johann wiped the tears away that were running down Brad’s face.  He hated seeing him like this.  This was probably the hardest choice he had ever made.  He wanted to make a joke so that he could see Brad smile one last time, but his head was spinning and he was drawing blanks.  Brad couldn’t bring himself to speak.  _I guess this is how it ends._

 

Johann leaned in, pressing his lips against Brad’s for one last time.  Brad wrapped his arms around Johann’s neck, deepening the kiss, desperately trying to convey all his feelings into that one kiss.  Johann pulled Brad into, pressing their bodies flush.  Brad didn’t have the strength to make himself pull away anymore and the longer they stayed like that, the more unbearable it was becoming for him.  Almost like he could sense what Brad was feeling, he pulled away.  Brad could still feel his lips on his, warm and perfect. 

 

As Johann stepped back, Brad looked into his eyes.  He felt paralyzed.

 

His phone buzzing in his pocket brought him back.

 

“You should go…” Johann said sadly and Brad nodded blankly.

 

Johann moved closer to him once again, “Goodbye, Brad.” he murmured as he kissed Brad’s forehead before backing away.

 

Brad could feel himself breaking, his voice cracking as he forced himself to speak through the lump in his throat, “Goodbye…”

 

The last image Brad saw of Johann was that sad smile and the pain in his eyes, as he turned to leave.  He walked quickly, trying to get away while he could still make himself, and not wanting Johann to see him breakdown.

 

Once he made it out of sight, his body started to shake with sobs.  He hoped nobody would see him as he stopped to lean against the side of a building.  He felt incapable of moving anymore.  He wrapped his arms around his legs as he pulled his knees to his chest, hiding his face in them.  Not like he could meet up with anyone right now anyway.  How would he explain himself if he showed up a crying mess?

 

Eventually everyone became worried when they couldn’t get in contact with him and people went out searching.  They even got help from a few other Moto racers and their teams to help search.  Luckily for Brad, it was his brother who found him.  He would have been mortified if someone like Valentino Rossi found him crying on the ground.

 

His brother kept asking him so many questions, alarmed to find his brother in such a state.  He first let everyone know that he had found Brad, only telling Brad’s manager how he found him though.  His manager rushed over to help get Brad back to the hotel they were staying at.  Once they arrived and got Brad to his room, they both tried questioning him, trying to figure out what happened but he didn’t want to talk.

 

Brad’s manager left eventually, leaving him and Darryn alone.  Darryn was doing all he could to try and make sure his big brother okay.  Eventually taking it upon himself to help him into the shower.  He was afraid Brad might not even clean up by himself, but after a while of waiting, Brad came out.  Darryn had also hoped that the shower would help calm him down.  That obviously wasn’t the case though as Brad only looked even more miserable after he came out.  At least he had stopped crying though, Darryn noted hopefully.

 

“Do you feel like telling me what’s wrong now?” Darryn tried but his brother just stared at the ground as he shook his head.  So Darryn decided it was time to try and get him to eat.  He grabbed ahold of Brad’s wrist and gently lead him to sit on the couch.

 

“Wait here for just a bit.  I’ll get you something to eat” Darryn said as he went to the kitchen to see what he could make.

 

Brad didn’t bother to tell him he wasn’t hungry.  He just sat and listened as his younger brother moved about the kitchen noisily and cursed to himself.  Brad would have laughed at his brother if this had been any normal day.

 

Eventually, Darryn came back with a plate of food for Brad and himself, “I tried to make something myself but it didn’t turn out so well... So I warmed up some frozen food instead.”

 

Brad tried to eat, taking a long time to chew each mouthful.  In the end, he couldn’t even make himself eat half of the food on his plate.  He poked at the rest until Darryn asked if he was finished and took the plate away to the kitchen for him.

 

“Would you like to go to bed now?” Darryn asked as he came back into the room and Brad nodded.  He would like to sleep so he could just stop thinking.  He did feel pretty exhausted as well.

 

So Darryn helped him into bed.  Brad hoped he would be able to just fall asleep quickly.  He had hoped, but somehow he knew it wouldn’t be that easy.  Because as soon as he was alone lying there on the bed with nothing to distract him, all of the thoughts came flooding back.

 

Brad quietly whimpered to himself in bed, trying not to alert his brother.  It was no use though, as Darryn was too worried to not go check on him.

 

Seeing Brad crying again, he didn’t quite know what to do.  Brad turned to hide his face with the pillow.  He really didn’t like to cry in front of people.

 

Darryn frowned sadly and went to sit on the bed, placing a hand on his brother’s shoulder.

 

“Please, can’t you tell me what’s wrong?” Darryn asked, full of concern.

 

Brad looked to his brother and broke into sobs as he finally told him.  As he told him everything, Darryn lied down next to him and pulled Brad into his arms, cradling him protectively.  After telling him everything, Brad continued to sob as his brother held onto him.  Darryn didn’t let him go until he had eventually cried himself to sleep.


End file.
